she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize