I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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