toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
