god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
