i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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