I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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