Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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