Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
