discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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