Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
