I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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