I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize