I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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