Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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