so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
