I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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