Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
