why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
