I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
