I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think i have two assholes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
