His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Found the puke drawer
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
