i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
