the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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