I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
