In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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