Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
