Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
