I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
