bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
