This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
