eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
