Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
