Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize