i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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