I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I fill condoms, not promises.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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