I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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