youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
