Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
