i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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