Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
