she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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