I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
