I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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