so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
