i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
