1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
