I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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