If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
