is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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