she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
