Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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