get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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