Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
