This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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