peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
