woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
