i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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