So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
