you traded sex for a burrito?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
