fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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