i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
